found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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