FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
