i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
