I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I love you.
Bad choice
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
