I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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