I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
