I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize