my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
