Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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