lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
