I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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