Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
