Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
