I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
