Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
