i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize