she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
