I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
