the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
