My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
