Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
