Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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