I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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