you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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