but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
