i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
