$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
