Little spoons don't ask big questions
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
