worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
