Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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