I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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