I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I currently don't understand fingers.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
