So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
