I haven't been this sober since birth.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
