its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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