Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
