A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
