When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
