Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You can't special order awesome
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
