from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
