Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
