My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
