Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
