so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
