I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
