he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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