I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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