i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Randomize
