shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize