She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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