I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize