I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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