1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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