Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
