the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
